Episode #7: What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like (Part 2)

SNCP Episode 7 Blog: What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like (Part 2)

Are you a victim of narcissistic abuse? Narcissists can be so damn smooth with how they abuse their victims to the point of making you think that you’re going crazy. Well… I’m here to tell you that you’re NOT! Physical abuse is can be evident but not so much the other types.. so it gets tricky!

In the previous episode #6, we discussed the first four types of abuse which were manipulation, verbal abuse, withholding, and slander. In this episode, we’re going to have a conversation about neglect, isolation, physical abuse, and emotional blackmail, because these are also types of abuse, but… we’re going to discuss them from a childhood point of view and as an adult.

Remember… our childhood reflects our adulthood and the relationships we choose later in life. Hell!!! I didn’t know that I was a victim of narcissistic abuse all my 35 years of living until I went to college and learned about healthy relationships and what they actually look like. So here are the 4 other types of abuse:

The 5^th type of abuse is neglect which is also a form of emotional abuse. It’s when a mother ignores the needs of her child physically, emotionally, or mentally. Examples:

A mom not feeding her child regular meals because she feels like she’s too busy or it’s not worth her time but she won’t hesitate to make herself something to eat
Or, putting her young child in a dangerous situation by leaving them home alone

Now, I had to sit on this concept because I don’t even eat three meals a day depending on how my day is set up but I make sure that when I eat, my kids eat. Thankfully, my eldest daughter can make some gourmet ramen noodles LOL so she helps out if I’m asleep because I work the night shift. However, I never intentionally tried to not feed my kids.

An article that I found on psychology today states, “An infection may go unnoticed until it is severe. An unsupervised child may get injured, in trouble with the police, or violated by an older child or adult. A habitually hungry child may look for steady meals at a neighbor’s or friend’s house. A child may be burdened with so much responsibility at home that they drop out of school. A serially ignored child may turn to drugs or self-harm to manage loneliness and depression.

The 6^th type of abuse is isolation and falls under emotional and psychological abuse. Examples:

Locking you in your room for days to weeks without any form of contact from friends and family, may even keep you from going to school, or access to services like counseling or social support. They want to keep the abuse a secret.
In intimate relationships, the abuser will keep you from seeing family and hanging out with friends.
It may get to the point where they don’t even want to go to counseling. Narcissists don’t like to be corrected!

The 7^th sign of abuse is the most common which is physical abuse! I found an article on psych central that talks about the 5 types of physical abuse that narcissists use on their spouses which are:

Intimidation– This is where they bully you, standing over you like prey, looking down on you, or all up in your face while refusing to back down. While this may scare others, this would piss me off making me feel threatened and using physical force to get him out of my space which in return gives them the OK to lay hands which then becomes a physical fight!
Isolation– The narcissist substantially limits their spouse’s ability to escape especially in dangerous situations. For instance, they might drive recklessly with no escape out of the car. They might expose others to severe weather or environmental conditions.
1. Side note, the Da Baby situation where he tried to put Danleigh out with the baby at 3 am. What in the world is that serious to leave your baby’s mother out high in dry at 3 am.
2. They might take their spouse to stranded locations. There was a time or two where my ex-husband and I got into a physical altercation in the car with our, who was then a three-year-old child in the backseat. Now, I didn’t get out but he tried me ya’ll!
3. When others are injured, they might prevent the seeking of medical care by minimizing and name-calling. Like the time when I was 16, my mom and I go into an argument and she jumped on my back while I was going down the stairs and my knee got caught on to a nail and split right open to the fat meat. It took her an entire day to take me to the hospital to get stitched up.
4. They might destroy important personal items calling them insignificant. You don’t know how many phones my eh-husband stole or threw out the window. He would always throw away things that meant the most to me, just to hurt me. Can we say, pure evil! All of this is done to force the spouse to rely solely on them and trust only their judgment.
Restraint– Physical contact begins in the form of holding a person back. The narcissist will confine their spouse by blocking a doorway, grabbing when trying to leave, locking doors with no key, or tying the person up. This causes a feeling of entrapment or imprisonment without any way to escape. Because they have already demonstrated through isolation their ability to cut a person off, physical restraint becomes a promise of additional aggression. When this begins to happen, it is a warning sign to get out immediately. The next two steps are not that far behind.
Aggression– It is important to remember that any physical force which results in pain, discomfort, or injury is completely unacceptable in a marriage or ANY relationship. There are many types of aggression such as: hitting, kicking, punching, arm twisting, pushing, beating, shoving, biting, slapping, striking with an object, shaking, pinching, choking, hair pulling, dragging, burning, cutting, stabbing, strangling, and force-feeding (including overdose or misuse of drugs). Because the narcissist will blame their spouse for their violent behavior, they will not stop using force once it is started. They will instead find more reasons to justify their brutality.
Endangerment– This is the most dangerous stage because life is in jeopardy. The intimidation and isolation become so ordinary that the spouse is numb to the effects. Restraint becomes a waiting game that the spouse has mastered. Aggression is expected and no longer shocks them. The narcissist then realizes they are no longer commanding the same level of fear, so they escalate the attacks. Verbal threats of killing their spouse, family members, or themselves are mixed with physical violence and the use of weapons. Do not stay. Get out immediately.

*Side Note: Not all narcissists resort to physical abuse, some never escalate beyond intimidation. Not all physical abusers are narcissists, some have other mental illnesses. But a narcissistic physical abuser is not someone to take lightly. No matter what they say, you cannot make them better. This is a decision they need to make for themselves and is best done away from anyone they have harmed in the past.

The 8^th type of abuse is emotional blackmail. Examples of this type of abuse are threats, intimidation, and warnings that are meant to create fear. Hackspirit.com has a great article about emotional blackmail that I want to put my spin on!

The 6 stages of emotional blackmail:

Stage 1: A demand

The blackmailer tells the victim what they want from them, and adds an emotional threat to it: “if you leave me, I’ll hurt myself”.

Stage 2: Resistance

The victim initially resists the demand, unsurprisingly, as the demand is often unreasonable.

Stage 3: Pressure

The blackmailer pressures their victim to give in, without caring how they make them feel. They will often deliberately try and make the victim feel scared and confused, so that they will begin to wonder whether their initial resistance was reasonable.

Stage 4: A threat

The blackmail itself. “If you don’t do as I say, then I will…”.

Stage 5: Compliance

The victim gives into the threat

Stage 6: The pattern is set

The emotional blackmail cycle ends, but the pattern is now set and the blackmail will almost certainly happen again.

Sad to say, some people use our fears to make us comply with their demands. To hold a person hostage emotionally, manipulators use different kinds of fears such as:

Fear of the unknown
Fear of abandonment
Fear of upsetting someone
Fear of confrontation
Fear of tricky situations
Fear for your own physical safety

What are the types of emotional blackmail roles?

Punisher role

This role uses the fear strategy where they threaten to punish you if demands are not met. They tell you what the consequences are if you will not do a particular thing.

The punishments include but is not limited to withholding affection, ending the relationship, restricting you from seeing friends and family, financial penalties, and physical punishment.

Self-punisher role

Self-punishers threaten to harm themselves just to get what they want. It’s a way to trigger fear and guilt so that you’ll be compelled to do what is being asked.

My personal experience involved my then boyfriend cutting himself with a blade in front of me to get what he wanted. However, it can also be someone close to you threatening to take their own life or harm themselves if you do not do what they ask you to do.

Sufferer role

Sufferers use fear, obligation, and guilt tactics to manipulate people. They use and hold their misery over their partner’s head to get what they want.

For example, they will claim that the state they’re in, whether physical, mental, or emotional, is the fault of the other person. Other manipulations include telling you that they will suffer if you refuse to do what they want you to do.

Tantalizer role

Tantalizers promise a reward, which will never materialize. It’s like leading you on and asking you to do something in return for something else, but it’s usually not a fair trade.

An example is when your partner, friend or family member makes lavish promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely keep them.

Common Blackmail Statements, have you heard any of these?

While this list may not cover all, this will help you identify what is and what is not an emotional blackmail statement:

If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.
If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself/kill you.
I’ve already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree that you are being unreasonable.
I’m taking this vacation – with or without you.
How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?
You’ve ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself.
It was your fault that I was late for work.
If you wouldn’t cook in an unhealthy way, I wouldn’t be overweight.
I would have gotten ahead in my career if you had done more at home.
If you don’t take care of me, I’ll wind up in the hospital/on the street/unable to work.
You’ll never see your kids again.
I’ll make you suffer.
You’ll destroy this family.
You’re not my child anymore.
You’ll be sorry.
I’m cutting you out of my will.
I’ll get sick.
I can’t make it without you.
If you’ll not have sex with me, I will get it from someone else.
If you can’t buy me a new phone, you’re a worthless sister/mom/dad/brother/lover.

RECAP:

So, between this episode and the last, we have hit on the 8 types of narcissistic abuse which are manipulation, verbal abuse, withholding, slander, neglect, isolation, physical abuse, and emotional blackmail. Throughout your life, you may have experienced all these types and never considered it as abuse. It was just the way things were because narcissists have good days too. Especially when they’re trying to make up for their bad behavior which convinces you that they do love you when they really don’t understand what love is or what it is not.

1^st Corinthians versus 4-7 reads: What “True” Love Is!

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The next episode will be part one of the 11 signs that you are a victim of narcissistic abuse.

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Links:

5 Types of Abuse Narcissists Use On Spouses:

https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2015/04/five-types-of-physical-abuse-narcissists-use-on-spouses#1

The 5 Types of Emotional Blackmail: