Disclaimer: This episode may trigger victims of past abuse, if there is a chance that you may be triggered, I advise that you turn this episode off and come back to it when you’ve had more time to heal. If you are a victim of domestic violence thehotline.org has 24/7 resources for DV support call 1(800)799-SAFE or text the word “SAFE” to 88788
Welcome to the Sexy Nurse Chronicles Podcast! I am your host Nurse 2 Keys, thank you for tuning in and for your continued support. In previous episodes, we’ve discussed what narcissism is from the DSM 5, the different types of narcissism, and the 11 signs that you probably grew up in a narcissistic parent. We’re going to continue our series by talking about the different types of narcissistic abuse. This episode will be part 1 of the different types of narcissistic abuse so you can have a better understanding of what this type of insidious abuse looks like.
Manipulation
Yes, this is a characteristic of a narcissistic parent but it is also a type of abuse, yes abuse. Manipulation is a form of mental or psychological abuse and is used to trick you to do something that benefits the manipulator. It is the practice to control someone’s behavior, emotions, and relationships.
Your feelings are manipulated easily because you’ll do anything to gain that love you’ve always craved for as a child that you eventually go looking for as an adult, but unfortunately in the wrong places. If you had a traumatic upbringing 9/10 you’ll attract a narcissistic intimate relationship, especially if you’re an empath like me. You were brought up to put other people’s needs before yourself. An article on goodtherapy.org gives examples of manipulative behavior which are:
- Passive-aggressive behavior: playing emotional “get back” with the silent treatment, pouting, or whining, playing dumb when they’ve done something awful
- Play Victim
- Implicit threats
- Dishonesty
- Withholding information
- Isolating a person from their loved ones
- Gaslighting
- Verbal Abuse
- Use of sex to achieve goals
- Spiritual manipulation
If manipulation becomes a chronic long-going issue, you can suffer long-term effects similar to trauma especially when the manipulator tries to make you feel guilt, shame, and even doubt yourself and your self-worth. Victims of chronic manipulation may:
- Feel depressed
- Develop anxiety
- Develop unhealthy coping patterns like drinking and smoking
- Constantly try to please the manipulative person just to live in peace
- Lie about your feelings
- Put another person’s needs before your own
- Develop trust issues
Manipulation in intimate relationships can take many forms, including exaggeration, guilt, gift-giving or selectively showing affection, secret-keeping, and passive aggression.
Signs of manipulation in the parent-child relationship may include making the child feel guilty, lack of accountability from a parent, downplaying a child’s achievements, and a need to be involved with many aspects of the child’s life.
A manipulative friend might use guilt or coercion to extract favors, such as loaning money, or they may only reach out to that friend when they need their own emotional needs met and may find excuses when their friend has needs in the relationship.
Verbal abuse
Manipulation can be a form of verbal abuse in which the narcissists say something hurt, hitting you with low blows that you would never hit them with. When my mom or ex-husband would get upset with me for not abiding by their manipulation, they would often criticize my parenting, throw up what they think “my weaknesses” are, or anything hurtful that they know would get under my skin.
Withholding
Withholding is a huge one. If you don’t do what they want, or if you call them out on some bullshit, they’ll withhold love, money, and information they know you’ll need just to sit back and watch you fail. I found an article on psychcentral.com that lists the 5 Withholding Tactics Malignant Narcissists and Psychopaths Use to Torment You:
- Withholding affection.
- Withholding healthy interest, praise or genuine compliments when warranted
- Withholding validation and discussion (stonewalling).
- Withholding the truth (especially by omission) to string you along.
- Withholding resources
Slander (Goodtherapy.com)
It took FOREVER to finally leave the person in your life with narcissism, only to realize that once you made that fateful decision, your name became mud. Your ex is not going to let you go without a fight. You’re going to be villainized like you never experienced before the breakup.
All your friends and family will hear how crazy, unbalanced, manipulative, and narcissistic you are. Your ex will be sure to strike first; you may not want to strike at all, but your hand may seem forced.
The smear campaign of a person with narcissism can be so convincing. Since, throughout the relationship, you mainly kept your mouth shut about the problems you were having, no one really saw this coming. When your ex starts to talk negatively about you, with feelings of hurt and strong conviction, others may be inclined to believe what they hear. They had no idea how “crazy” you were, but now, if they think about it, they do remember the time you did x, y, or z.
Like many people with narcissistic qualities, your ex can be a master manipulator. They can turn on the sad eyes and tears, convincing everyone how dearly you are loved by them and how clueless they are about why it ended so abruptly. Maybe it’s menopause or a midlife crisis on your part. Obviously, something is wrong with you.
The smear campaign may even work with your children. The children have become so accustomed to an abusive relationship that the concept of scapegoating seems normal. Blaming and villainizing others has been modeled as acceptable. They may see nothing abnormal about making you a target of wrath. And since they love the parent with narcissism, they likely want to win their favor, which makes it all the more easy for them to join in the campaign.
The Anatomy of a Smear Campaign
It generally contains an element of truth. For instance, if the person with narcissism complains you abandoned the relationship, well, this is true. They will likely go on and on about how all they ever wanted was to love you and stay with you, but you, in your evilness, flippantly left the relationship—for no reason other than you don’t care about anything other than yourself and can’t keep your commitments.
- It is done with implication. The person with narcissism may say something like, “I don’t want to sound mean, but certain people, who shall remain nameless, have me worried.” The person with narcissism may imply that, no matter how hard they have tried to help you or deal with your issues, you are irreparable. Some people—you being one of them—are just hopeless. Implication can be a very effective tool. Those listening come to their conclusions about you based on this subtly nefarious input.
- It is also done overtly. Sometimes the person with narcissism just comes right out and says it: you are a no-good lunatic! They will tell story after story about all the awful things you’ve done. They will take every vulnerability you’ve revealed to them and use it now, along with made-up information, to tarnish your reputation and slander your name.
- It is relentless. No one holds a grudge quite like a person with narcissism. They can carry a silent treatment to the grave just as well as they can carry a smear campaign. They are relentless. You may be shocked and dismayed by the battleground you find yourself navigating. Never have you encountered such an enemy.
Links:
Narcissistic Mother: A Survival Guide for Daughters: Recognize Borderline Personality Disorder. Recover from Childhood Emotional Neglect, Overcome Narcissistic Abuse and Heal Your Inner Child: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07YNH3XYJ/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_C9TM6Q7WCD55E139QMS9
Withholding:
Leaving a Person w/ Narcissism: Here Comes The Smear Campaign:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/leaving-person-with-narcissism-here-comes-smear-campaign-0920174
For Domestic Violence Support & Resources:
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