Thank you for stopping by! This blog is in relation to episode #11, which is an introduction to boundaries. So many people don’t understand what boundaries are, and if they do, they don’t know how to apply and execute them. I came from a toxic upbringing where you weren’t allowed to have feelings, and if you did, it was called disrespect. Unfortunately, when I got older, I attracted who I grew up with, and went threw a slew of toxic relationships and marriages due to my lack of boundaries. Working in the mental health field, I finally learned what healthy relationships look like, I learned about boundaries, how to apply them, and execute them!

WARNING: When setting up boundaries, please be aware and prepared to lose relationships because toxic and narcissistic people do not like or respect boundaries and they will test you! Healthy people respect healthy boundaries!

I decided to talk about boundaries because they are essential, especially when trying to heal from narcissistic or toxic relationships. I did not know what a boundary was until I was in college in my early 30s, and that is when I started setting boundaries. I set boundaries with my mom, siblings, friends, coworkers, lovers, and anybody I had any relationship with. Moreover, when I did not have boundaries, I used to say “yes” to lots of toxic bullshit, and in return, I was carrying a lot of people’s burdens that did not concern me.

It’s funny because I used to pride myself on being loyal, “family over everything” was my motto,  but now it’s “peace” over everything. Consequently, I grew resentful towards those people. Now, I am loyal to whoever is loyal to me, and now, I go out of my way for people who would go out of their way for me; now, I support those who support me. I no longer feel ashamed if someone calls me a bad daughter, a lousy sibling, or a bad mother because I am in the part of my healing journey where I no longer seek validation, and I know who I am.

Because I put boundaries in place, I no longer speak to a slew of people I once had a personal relationship with, and I must say, it has been a few years, and let me tell you, I am now the happiest and less stressed as I have ever been. Healing takes time, so take all of the time that you need!

Man, I don’t know why, but black moms “hate” their daughters, and it’s a generational curse that seems to be passed down from generation to generation. Well, today… “we “… yes, you and I are breaking these generational curses! Let’s give our children a safe space to express their feelings and be empathetic. Let’s teach them to express their feelings and teach them boundaries without the fear of being physically, mentally, or emotionally abused because it shapes the type of man or woman they will become, and we cannot have them out here in these streets like that, being taken advantage of, manipulated, and abused! Let’s turn this shit around! I’m sorry; I love my babies way too much to set them up for failure. So, I repeat…you “CAN NOT” go on this healing journey with me, until “YOU” start setting and standing on your boundaries!

So, what exactly is a boundary?

I found an article on goodtherapy.com that says, “boundaries are limits people set to create a healthy sense of personal space. Boundaries can be physical or emotional in nature, and they help distinguish one person’s desires, needs, and preferences from another”.

Boundaries provide a way for you to maintain your personal identity, which is who you are as your own person, and your personal space in your professional and personal relationships. In essence, boundaries are the “guidelines” or “rules” that YOU put in place for others to respect AND to keep a healthy relationship with you. Your boundaries tell other people how “you” want to be treated and what types of interactions you are willing to accept from others. My favorite saying is, “you teach people how to treat you by what “you” allow.

So, if you’re reading this, you probably didn’t have parents who set healthy boundaries, so you might have a hard time setting boundaries because you never learned how.

Why are boundaries so important?

“Healthy” boundaries will serve you and your mental health and well-being because boundaries allow you to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, and they should be put in place to help you “avoid” being taken advantage of and unfairly or inappropriately taking responsibility for the emotions and needs of others.

When I was in counseling years back, I told my pastor everything that had been bothering me because at the time, my emotions were weighing heavy on me, and he asked me, “Keke, out of all the problems that are weighing you down, which problems are actually yours?” That was a great question because everything I vented to him was about the problems, emotions, and needs of others. Have you ever done that? If you can relate, leave a comment below because I want to hear your story.

When you have healthy, firm boundaries that you stick to and stand on, you can avoid feelings of being taken advantage of and avoid feeling mistreated, feeling manipulated, and violated. Healthy boundaries help you determine whom you let in your life, whom you let in your energy, whom you let in your bubble, and to what extent. It is not illegal to have boundaries. Your boundaries are your God-given right. Now, as a child, you might not have a choice, but as an adult, you do!

What happens if I do have boundaries, but people in my life still do not respect them?

Honestly, if people can’t respect your boundaries, it’s because they are weak, or there are no consequences for violating them. If you do not stand firm on your boundaries, that defeats the purpose, and people will not take you seriously.

Examples of having weak boundaries are:

• Feeling incomplete “without” another person. When you have weak boundaries
• You have a hard time expressing your wishes or your preferences, especially when it comes to sex. Some people may feel uncomfortable expressing their wishes and preferences even when it doesn’t feel right.
• When you have weak boundaries, you accept hugs and physical touch such as pats or hugs when you don’t feel comfortable.
• You lack “needed,” not “wanted,” but “needed” or desired personal space.
• You always feel the need to save everybody else from their problems, the problems they created.
• You are a “yes” person even when it inconveniences you.

Well, family, this is your introduction to boundaries. Tune into the next episode #12: 20 Dating “Red” flags on the Play! Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog! If there is anything that I said that you resonate with, please comment!

Goodtherapy.com; Boundaries https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/boundaries#:~:text=Boundaries%20are%20limits%20people%20set,of%20one%20person%20from%20another.\ Goodtherapy.com; Boundaries https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/boundaries#:~:text=Boundaries%20are%20limits%20people%20set,of%20one%20person%20from%20another.