EP #10: Get Out of YOUR Feelings!!!

EP #10: Get Out YOUR Feelings!!!

Welcome to the Sexy Nurse Chronicles Podcast blog page! I am your host, Nurse 2 Keys. This is Episode #10!!! If you haven’t already, please give this episode a thumbs up, like, share, subscribe, and comment for upcoming episodes. On this episode, we are going to talk about how to heal and deal with our emotions! After doing shadow work over the past couple of years, working on myself so I can be the best version of myself, I learned that healing doesn’t come overnight. Yes, everybody talks about self-love, care, and healing but when you’ve never been loved properly, ALL YOUR LIFE, by the people that YOU loved the most, the people you would GIVE YOUR LAST TOO, the people that used YOU, took your kindness for weakness, and depleted your energy, IT IS A HARD pill to swallow! Trauma is hard to process when you associate real genuine love with people who weren’t genuinely and unconditionally loving you. If this resonates, please comment, I would love to hear from you!

At the beginning of my healing journey, I was tired of feeling depressed, alone, and triggered to the point that confrontation made me want to stay in bed all day. Dealing with unhealthy relationships drained and depleted my energy. I was so depressed that I lost the motivation to do things that were important and needed to be handled I.e., grocery shopping, paying bills, or studying for an important exam. Then, vwalah, here comes a good day, maybe a good week, maybe even a good month and then BOOM! …your former abuser calls or sends a triggering text message and the sight of the notification automatically revs up your fight or flight system. You start to feel an anxious panic. You may begin to feel your heart beating through your chest, feel weak, sick to your stomach, or faint like you need to go lay down; or may feel rushed to tell your abuser how you feel in a fit of anger rage. You know, give them a piece of your mind only to eventually calm down and regret it later. Does this sound familiar?

I would regret letting my ex-husband have this type of power over my mind, the same power he had while I was still in my 12-year abusive relationship, but long after I moved on. I just knew that once I made my great escape, moved out, and got my own place I would be free from his bondage, but I was wrong. Since he could no longer control me, he tried to manipulate and control the situation through our kids, and any caring mother understands that if you mess with our cubs then here comes momma bear, and BABY you will hear me roar! Not realizing until later that he used pure manipulation to see me upset. I often felt like when I took 3 steps forward, he would always bring me 5 steps backward.

Throughout my healing journey, I learned that my reactions were always the result of chronic childhood trauma, CPTSD. I also learned that the goal of self-healing is to never give up, to be patient with yourself, and channel your negative energy into something positive for YOU! You have given these people the best years of your life and now it’s time to give “you” the best rest of your life! How do you do this? By making you a priority and becoming the best version of you, and THATS WHATS GONNA KILL EM!!! Nothing gets under a toxic person’s skin than to see their victim persevere! Moreover, the universe is working in your favor, God, Jesus, your ancestors, Buddha, Allah, or whoever you believe by bringing you good karma, and in return, your enemies are going to be your step stool! Karma is a BITCH!

However, we must acknowledge the fact that we suffer from emotional dysregulation! Emotional dysregulation can be hard to recognize at first. This is because we were never allowed to have feelings let alone express them in a healthy way. We were punished for expressing our feelings because of being raised in a toxic environment, if you expressed your feelings, you were called disrespectful and whipped! Emotional dysregulation can leave you feeling confused, guilty, and/or, overwhelmed by your emotions to the point that you have a hard time controlling your emotions and making sound decisions.

Do you have intense emotional moments of anxiety, anger, or frustration that is really hard to come down from, even when you know you shouldn’t be so frustrated or upset, but you just can’t help it? To add fuel to fire, are those thoughts then followed by even more emotion that is then followed by more thoughts to the point you find yourself spiraling out of control with a sense of urgency to react rather than respond? In your reality, it feels necessary and your actions feel justified until you’ve calmed down and then you feel flat. This my friend is an example of emotional dysregulation!

Here’s another example, you’ve been talking to this guy on the phone that you met on an online dating app for a week or so. You guys connected instantly having hour-long conversations and sending “thinking of you” texts throughout the day. It seems like you have so much in common and you feel in your heart like “he is the one!” Then, here comes the day he wants to take you out on a date! And let me say, you are looking really forward to it. You haven’t you’ve been on a date or gotten laid in months and you really like this guy so you go all OUT! You treat yourself to mani and pedi, your hair and makeup is on point, you pull out that red dress looking like a million bucks, sexy red bottoms, and you are about to grab your purse and keys heading out the door…and then… he calls to tell you that something important came up for his job and he has to cancel

For a split second, you feel really let down, and then you begin to get angry, and believe me, you are HOT (rightfully so)!!! After some time, you finally calm down because you don’t want to look as crazy as you feel, and then those feelings eventually lead you to feeling flat (blah). Eventually, he calls and you try to act unbothered, after all, you don’t want to scare this one away by not being empathetic so you try to play it cool. He apologizes but deep down, the apology just isn’t good enough, during the conversation he can sense your irritation and frustration, and then he gets irritated which irritates you even more, and by the end of the call you’ve cursed him out, blocked him, and now that potential relationship is done only to leave you feeling hopeless. Eventually, after you’ve calmed down, your energy is depleted leaving you to feel emotionally unavailable and IMMENSE shame from overreacting. Sound familiar?

As stated before, emotional dysregulation, many times is the product of being raised in a toxic environment, and childhood post-traumatic disorder (CPTSD) is often the culprit. Although your partner may stick around, over time, this emotional rollercoaster drains the relationship causing you to lose love for one another thus causing the relationship to become more and more toxic which is the opposite of a healthy emotionally-regulated relationship; a relationship where love is supposed to grow deeper and sweeter over time.

Healthy-minded people will tell you that when healing, you need to be in touch with your feelings, grieve your feelings, and feel your feelings, however; when you suffer from emotional dysregulation it is extremely hard to deal with and feel your feelings in a healthy way. So, a goal for self-healing is to learn how to emotionally regulate those feelings by mentally creating a “mental toolbox” in times of need so we can have more control over our feelings.

Ways to Combat Emotional Dysregulation

Keep Your Plane on the Ground!

Let’s go back to that spilt second before you processed that you were being stood up. You were about to grab your keys and walk out the door when you get the call of DOOM! You see you have a message and then you read it. There in that split second when you are just processing what’s happening, before you can even talk through and start to get angry, there lies that small window of opportunity to keep your airplane on the ground! If you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that right before takeoff, the plane has to gain momentum. Think of your rising emotions like the intensity and speed of the plane right before it leaves the ground.

When you feel that plane gaining momentum, it is OK to say “Uh-oh, I’m getting angry or I PISSED. It’s OK to acknowledge the fact this bastard stood you up! In some situations, you may even feel like you want to cry or feel really anxious depending on the situation. Once you have acknowledged that you are having an emotional reaction, this is the window of opportunity where you can make some positive change, you can begin to slow the plane! Consequently, once we start panicking or rushing through our feelings of anger, frustration, and panic begin to spiral. Therefore, slowing down the plane is when we take control of the situation. We are slowing down the situation by taking time, taking time to breathe.

“Don’t React, Respond,” There is a Difference!

I recommend taking as much time as you need to “not” react. As one of my favorite professors told me, “Keke you have to stop reacting and start responding.” If it’s 30 minutes, if it’s 2 hours, if it’s half or a whole day, take the time you need to calm down so you can think rationally and respond. You will appreciate yourself for this time in the long run!

If you feel you’re about to cry in an environment that is not appropriate, give yourself an escape to gather yourself. Or, you can imagine that your stomach, right below your belly button is a knob that is probably at 100. Imagine turning that knob down from 100 to 20 to stop the tears, it’s like turning off the oven.

Restraint of Pen and Tongue

If you feel angry, use “restraint of pen and tongue” which means DO NOT send emails or text messages when you’re angry! Venting will only escalate your feelings and cause you to feel more overwhelmed and in return your thinking gets distorted and it never goes well! Instead, promise yourself that you will respond when you are not so angry, and say that to yourself or the person who angered you. It is OK to say, “Right now, I don’t want to respond until I have cooled down,” and then don’t. If you feel an URGENT need to express yourself then PROMISE ME that you will take time DOUBLE time to respond bc urgency is a sign of (C)PTSD.

Other ways to combat emotional dysregulation are:

Do some emergency writing because you can write anywhere!
Exercise… run up stairs, take a brisk walk, get those endorphins going to decrease stress chemicals
Wash your hands in cold water and splash it on your face as a distraction
Emotional dysregulation feels like your mind is in a trans so distraction and redirection are great tools to help you snap out of it!!

Talking to a trusted friend can be helpful if you can do so without venting and going down another rabbit hole of negative emotion
Counseling and therapy

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